Tick Tock. 21 days.

I don't think the waiting would be so bad if I was at the bottom of the list. I keep telling myself to pretend that I am at the bottom so that I can stay sane.

I have actually been doing a pretty good job of staying busy, which helps a lot. There was a support group meeting on Monday and that was helpful. Tom (about 2 months post-tx) and Lisa and Jeff and I went and got burritos and sat by the beach for lunch. I just like looking at Tom. It's kinda weird, I know. He has lost the Flolan redness in his face (I didn't know him before, but my face, chest and body are a nice "sunkissed" shade of pink so I can imagine what he looked like). His color is so normal. He doesn't get out of breath from talking. He has no attached pumps or hoses. He doesn't have a water belly. It's kind of fascinating, really.

I realized after the support group meeting just how much I conserve my energy. I was completely out of breath just talking at the support group! Jeff went running down at Mission Beach on Tuesday so I joined him to read one of my Transplant books and sit in the swing at the park nearby. I was completely out of breath walking 15 feet across a sandy playground to the swing. And I have no cushion on my tooshie, so my butt was in agony after a few minutes on the swing! I had to make the trek back across the sand to sit under a tree.

We went to UCSD's campus on Monday b/c there was a glass and pottery sale by the students. It was pretty neat, actually and there was a lot to choose from! But getting to the little "hut in the woods" was kind of a challenge. That's what it looked like. A hut in the woods in the middle of a bustling campus. I thought it was pretty damn cool. The glassblowers are in a sunken pit so you can watch from above.

The San Diego County Fair starts on Friday and I really want to go this year. But I really don't like crowds and I am really afraid to walk the Fair... I might get stuck somewhere and not be able to walk back. The solution is a wheelchair, which I will gladly use. But the idea of riding around at eye level to people's butts is not a pleasant one. Wheelchairs in non-crowded places are MUCH better. I really like the artwork and craft items the most anyway... and those are inside. And it may be less crowded :-)

But back to the waiting. I have started sleeping through the night again, so that's good. It's really hard to stay positive and hopeful about the transplant... trying to focus on my "new" life while not forgetting to enjoy the one I have, even with its limitations. Because if you focus on the new life, you get pissed at your current life. And if you focus on how great your current life is, you get pissed at the need for a transplant. It's hard to balance the two. And the longer I wait, the more time I have to think about it.

Believe me, I know there are lots of people who wait a LONG time. I see them post. I don't forget about them. I don't forget that I probably bumped someone else on the list to a lower spot, making their wait longer. In my Transplant book, one lady wrote an unsent letter to #1 on her list, saying that she was mad that they were #1 ahead of her, but that she was hopeful they got their lungs soon so she could be #1. So I hope that the people ahead of me get their lungs soon so I can be closer to the top. And if sicker people need to jump in line ahead of me, well, that's perfectly okay. I want ALL of us to live and get this second chance... but getting the call soon certainly wouldn't hurt my feelings :-D