I'd love to have more lighthearted posts, I really would, but this issue has been on my mind the past few months. I recently read an article about a high school girl who was suspended because she refused to change clothes when school officials said her shorts were too short. Her point was that we're training guys to view us as sex objects and we're shaming girls about their bodies. I kind of agreed with her, even if she violated a school dress code (and I understand why those are put in place). Why did I agree? Because I was shamed for my body when I was in the Navy on my first deployment. Well, I've been directly and indirectly told a lot over the years to hide, cover, and conceal my body, but that took the cake. I'm bothered by the message that marketing and the media give to young girls (and all people in general, really) about their bodies and I'm bothered that we encourage girls to be "sexy" and yet shame them for trying to look like the very thing they're encouraged to be. I'm tired of thin shaming and fat shaming. I'm tired of all of it. Here's the article about the girl.
http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/06/01/3443544/teenage-girl-humiliated-for-wearing-shorts-slams-school-for-shaming-girls-for-their-bodies/
On my first deployment there were 6 women (all Officers) on the ship of 300+ people. I was the only pilot and one of the few women who used the gym regularly. I was a runner. I wore running shorts. Not basketball shorts. Not capris with a skirt like I do now (they didn't make those back in 2003). Not leggings. Not pants. I ran in running shorts, which by definition are short. I would walk from my stateroom to the room with the treadmills. I would run and then return to my stateroom. I do not remember meandering about the ship or strolling on the flight deck in my running shorts.
The XO pulled me aside one day and told me that my shorts were a distraction to the men on board. Perhaps he talked to all 6 of us (I can't remember now), but the message was intended for only me. He made that obvious. He implied they would very likely be overcome with the urge to pull me into a fan room and rape me. Or possibly just rip my shorts off in the p-way and rape me there (because that certainly makes sense). That I was begging for trouble. It made me angry. First of all, my thighs were kind of chunky muscular and they had some cheese. I had a hard time believing they would entice men to assault me. Second of all, it pissed me off that he was also insulting the men on board by claiming that they couldn't control their sexual urges and that I was begging someone to rape me. And third, it made me mad that I was sexually objectified for wearing shorts when my only intent was to go run on the damn treadmills so I could stay in shape and stay sane through exercise... not to flash my thighs at every dude on the ship. The XO obviously hadn't tried running in longer shorts only to have them ride up into his crotch and look like a diaper because his thighs rubbed together...
As angry as I was, I was also ashamed. Had I done or said something when I was walking to the treadmills that made some guy think the wrong thing? Did some guy see something when I climbed up or down a ladder well (those running shorts all had a lining with elastic legholes that covered everything up... or so I thought)? What did I do that gave someone the wrong idea?
I didn't argue with him. I didn't fight back. But I also didn't bring any other workout attire that would have been appropriate...perhaps a sweatsuit? After sweating white salt rings into my black t-shirts when I flew in the 100+ degree heat it would have been fun to run in a sweatsuit, fo' shizzle.
I hadn't been on a deployment before. Maybe the guys DID become raging beasts of sexual desire who would attack any female who showed any skin at all... WTF?!? Seriously?? Well... maybe... but that's a different story. Yes, sexual assault is a very real problem in the military. But I'm not sure that the way of dealing with it by shaming women for being women and feeling like they brought it on themselves so they should just suck it up is the right answer. The culture needs to change (hopefully it is), but that's definitely for a different post.
I started running at 3 am after my flights were done and I was already exhausted. In the dark with no one else around. If I did go run during the day I tried to ask one of the other pilots (also a runner) to go with me to avoid the appearance that I was parading around in my running shorts. I was very cautious to avoid anyone thinking I was trying to get raped by wearing running shorts. What's the phrase? We all know it... "perception is reality" in the military. That XO basically reinforced what society already says- that because of what I wear guys would only see me as a sexual object and not for the actual person I am. For pete's sake I chose a career in which I wore a green, shapeless bag most of the time! I don't know how much more covered up I could be. The whole thing gets my blood boiling to this day.
I actually think guys think they're doing us women a favor by telling us that we should stay covered up, that in some way they're protecting us from themselves or something. It makes me angry because it also reinforces the notion that men are pigs. Yes, yes, I flew with lots of you and you guys can be pretty damn disgusting. BUT... I do not think every guy walks around wanting to sexually assault every woman he sees. Let's give you men more credit than that, okay? Let's assume that you have a brain and you've been able to control yourselves since you were teenagers. I would like to believe that's true. As a matter of fact, I know that's true. Aren't men insulted that this message is still being disseminated? Your daughters are being given the same conflicting messages about their bodies that I was given. It just makes me so angry because the men I know would never hurt anyone or do or say anything grossly inappropriate, so why are other guys telling us that we should expect that to happen?
After the transplant I went to Nordstrom to get some bras that fit since I had lost so much weight. As I stood in the dressing room looking at myself in the full-length mirror a million thoughts ran through my head. I was SO thin. A skeleton, really. Finally! Woo hoo! Look at my thighs! They don't touch! I finally have a thigh gap. I don't have any muscle, but I don't have any cellulite either. Look at my hipbones. Wow. And my stomach. It's the flattest it's ever been. But this doesn't look healthy, right? I mean, I'm TOO thin, right? I should want some muscle and meat on my bones, right? But I looked like a thin model... even if I was sad that it wouldn't last and I'd put on weight. I was still ashamed of my body and it had already gotten me through so much! I am still alive thanks to my body and my will to live and really, really good medical care.
I read Jessica's story and her brief comment that she found a man who loved her, scars and all, struck a nerve with me. It breaks my heart that it matters to us (and yet it does)! That we think we are somehow harder to love because we're physically less than ideal (and yet being physically ideal just makes us sex objects). I too deal with scars. Big scars, LOTS of scars. True, they're proof that I'm stronger than what tried to kill me, but in a society that praises flawless skin, no wrinkles, no cellulite, and thigh gaps there is no way those of us with scars will ever measure up.... Or have we perhaps already broken the guide used to measure us? Have we already surpassed any stupid, illogical measure of beauty because we are SO much more than what size dress we wear? We have fought disease and we are winning. That makes us beautiful no matter what size we are or how battered our bodies have become.
I also saw this article about breast cancer survivor swimwear. This link goes to the slide show of the swimwear. Instead of bathing suits designed to hide the fact that women have undergone a mastectomy with fake breast inserts, this swimwear was designed to embrace the scars. To show off that they're stronger than what tried to kill them. I may have cried when I read the blurbs next to the photos. Just sayin'.
http://www.today.com/slideshow/news/mastectomy-monokini-swimwear-designed-for-breast-cancer-survivors-55270634
Fuck what society says that we should be. It's all a double standard anyway. Even for men!
So it got me thinking about all of the men in my life. There were a few in positions of leadership who felt it was their job to make me feel worthless. They did a good job, actually, and I still don't really understand why. But I've also been blessed with amazing men who have made an effort to tell me that they respect me and they are proud of me for fighting the battle against disease. That I'm so much more than a pair of thighs in running shorts. Family members, co-workers, friends, and of course Jeff.
I wonder why I know so many women who struggle with disease. SO many women. I do know guys who fight battles against disease as well, but I seem to know more women (and not all PH... there are all sorts of crappy illnesses out there). Why are we all getting sick? Why aren't the men? I have LOTS of theories on that (perhaps it's because men drive us to sickness and disease :-P ... or because women are strong as hell and can handle it... or because of any number of silly reasons).
But I know it takes strong men to see the women they love struggling under the weight of illness and do anything for us to help lift the burden. Even if it's just cooking dinner because we are too exhausted to stand. Or running out of the hospital in the middle of the night to get something, anything that would make us a little more comfortable. Or even just some kind words that tell us that in some small way, we are important. You guys deserve a huge shout out and a heartfelt Thank You from all of us who absolutely rely on your support as much as we rely on the support from other women. Maybe more.
I don't know what the answer is, that's for sure. But we should tell be telling EVERYONE that they're beautiful... healthy or sick. Perhaps that will help break the cycle of body shaming and our own self-loathing that for some reason becomes imbedded in our minds. If you have a body (male or female), or even if you're missing parts of your body, you are beautiful. Because you have a heart, and a soul, and a voice (spoken, written, in the form of art, etc etc) with which you can express yourself. Why doesn't that matter more than what we look like on the outside? It's the battles we fight that most people don't know about that make us resilient, strong and amazing. Try hard to keep an open heart and an open mind, my friends :-)
Maybe the more we talk about how much we shame each other (intentionally or unintentionally) for the way we look the more likely we will be to notice when it's happening and change the way we talk to people. Some companies are using a larger variety of body types in their ads. Some companies are not photoshopping huge chunks out of women's thighs or stomachs or arms. Let's support this trend and encourage it. I have hope that we can continue to see beyond the physical attributes of people and love them for who they ARE.
 |
| One of my scars. I'm proud of it. I'm still alive because of it. |
No comments:
Post a Comment